She was sitting in the crowd while her face – her eyes directly stared at me. Her blonde long hair just as same as the moment she left me which was five years ago. Her face looked tired but then, she smiled at me. A warm smile I’ve been longing for these five years.
I stared at her, not wanting to continue my performance. Charles in other hand was pushing me to continue my performance. I ignored him. My mind was totally for her – only her. She just right there! She’s came! I felt mixed feelings on that moment; happy, shocked and mostly, relieved.
I’ve finally found her.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes – tried rearrange my notes – afterward I opened my eyes back, relieved to see her sitting among the crowd and convinced myself that this wasn’t a dream. My fingers began playing the song. The crowd was in silence. I blocked my head from Charles’ happy compliments (I had heard several curses too) and kept playing the piano. Not even once I looked back at her. I wasn’t ready to look into her eyes.
Finally, after the last song, I finished my first solo performance. I let out the loud sigh and thankful to the God. I looked my mother’s face – she was happy. I can see her big smile from the stage. I stood up, looking to the audience and bowed. The audiences were all stood up, clapping their hands. They all delighted with my performance. Charles suddenly came from who-know-where and gave me a big hug that I was almost chocked. “Congrats, boy!” he said with an extremely energetic voice. I guess he felt relieved to know I played well. I smiled back to him and searched Adelaine’s face.
But I couldn’t find her.
I was confused. I knew these weren’t a dream – the stage, the audiences, my mother’s cheerful face, Charles’ big hug – but was Adelaine just a delusion? Was I daydreaming? I tried to search her face among the crowds but Charles pulled me to the backside of the hall. I was dazed to move; too upset to talk. She wasn’t here. No, she never was.
It all was a hallucination.
I met my mother after the show. She as usual gave me her infamous hug and kissed my cheeks. I knew she was proud but I can’t take off the sorrow feelings in my heart. I wanted to cry but even my eyes were so depressed to shed tears. But she knew. There was a questioned look in her eyes. She didn’t say anything but her warm hands patted my back – it was soothing me. I gave her a half-heartedly smile and hugged her. She said goodbye to me and went back to her hotel while I ran away to my changing room.
I sat in my room while Charles banging the door to force me out.
“There was someone wants to meet you, Edward. I need you out. NOW.” He shouted from the outside. I didn’t respond to his shouting. I wasn’t going. That’s that!
“Edward,” – there was a deep sigh from his mouth – “I know it was hard for you to play the last song – but you had played it well. No, it was way better than I expected.”
I don’t reply to his words. “What do you know? “ was what I want to say.
“I know that from your mother – the Adelaine girl.”
I was taken aback. What? He knows about Adelaine? My mother knows too?
“The song was made for her, am I correct?”
Yes, it’s true. The song was made for her. ‘If only I could say’ was made by me to Adelaine – only her. I never played that song without her listening to it. And the only reason I didn’t run from the stage before because I saw her there, listening every single notes I played, hearing every single rhythm of the music.
“What’s the meaning of the song?” Charles asked me slowly.
What was the meaning of the song? Oh yeah. I’m almost forgotten about the meaning of the song. I gave that title not because I can’t speak –it was because I can’t tell her my true feelings – my inner feelings. I was given this ability – to read other minds – but I can’t read hers. I can’t read my mother’s too. I don’t know why and I barely want to know. If only I can read her mind – I’ll know her feelings towards me.
And yet, no one will know the meaning of the song.
“I know.” was only he said. Afterward there was a long silence. I waited for his answer. “The title itself shows the true meaning of the song. It was your true feelings towards her, wasn’t it? I know – I’m a pianist too.”
His words struck my heart. I almost chocked. I opened the door and I saw Charles, stood against the wall. His face red, tensed – as if he was having constipation. I stared at him. I knew he was angry to me – I knew that because I had been five years with him as my tutor.
“Man, it almost took forever to force you out from that room.” he whined. “Well, I don’t want to waste times anymore so,” – he grabbed my left arm – “let’s go. Someone wants to meet you.” and walked. In that moment, I was so frustrated – because he tricked me and I fell into that damn trick – so I didn’t refuse. Charles was allergic to the refusal. I better not to spill any gasoline to his flame.
We walked along the corridor to the room full of chairs; there was also a whiteboard in front of the room. There was nobody in the room – just the silence that filled the atmosphere. Then Charles pushed me inside and left me with his infamous wicked smile on his face. I stood there – hearing my own breathing noise. He dragged me way from the changing room to this empty, pathetic room and left me here? What the hell? I walked to the mirror in front of me and stared myself in it.
I sighed. Some things don’t change at all. I sat on the chair while stared blankly into the mirror. Yes, some things never change at all. I was still that pitiable man. I was still waiting for an impossible miracle. All of this made me felt I was being played; by the fate. I didn’t have any courage to seek her. I was afraid of the past but I want to move on. It was pitiful. I’m such a loser; the loser for everything.
Well, almost. At least I had my loveable mother, my wacky, bad-tempered teacher and my antique piano. Those things were enough to me. I was finally convincing myself that for the first time in history of my tragic life that – I was not alone. I smiled weakly to myself. I turned around and walked towards the door. I made my mind – I want to move on. I want to live with a life in it. I didn’t want be a human without soul in it – like a zombie.
However, fate was unexpected.
I was ready to let her go. I was ready to move on. I was ready to say goodbye to the old me and say hello to the new me. I was ready to walk away from the room. But fate – was really unpredictable. Here, in this room, stood a woman once I loved.
Adelaine was standing in front of me. I froze. I kept blinking and rubbing my eyes. But she was still standing there. Oh my God! Was a ghost of past wanted to harass me? Was I still daydreaming? Oh no! Was I a lunatic? Or was I DEAD?
I bit my lips. Ouch! Okay, I AM not dreaming. And I never heard dead people alias ghosts can bit their lips – not that I had seen one.
I was so sure I wasn’t dreaming. I looked at her. She wore a pair of jeans with a black but and a leather jacket on. Her hair was properly tied as a ponytail and her face looked more mature than before. I realized that she had changed; a lot.
Although, I still see her old character. Like the time when she smiled. It was really delightful to see that smile again.
“Hi, Edward,” – her voice was calming – “It had been five years we didn’t see each other, eh? That was a long time. Do you still remember me?”
Silly, of course I do. I could never forget you, Adelaine. I nodded sincerely.
She was happy looking at my reaction. “Thank God. I was afraid of that.” said Adelaine with a little cheerful tone on her words. “Actually,” – her face became worried back; just as same as the time she said she had to go, five years previous – “I came here to see you. Your performance, I mean.” Her face blushing – only God knows why.
Then the silence fell in. This was the time I hate when I was talking to someone – I mean, communicating in my own way. She seemed reckless, like something was going to happen and she didn’t have much time. However, she spoke again.
“You had become the pianist. Just like what you want.”
